Children at your wedding: decide early, say it once

Few planning decisions generate as much friction relative to their size. Both answers are entirely legitimate. What causes the problems is deciding late, communicating vaguely, or making exceptions.

Decide before invitations, not after

The policy has to exist before anything is printed, because the invitation is where it is communicated. Deciding afterwards means a second, awkward communication that reads as a correction.

Say it on the invitation, plainly

Addressing the envelope to the adults only is too subtle. People miss it, or choose to.

Clear wording: "An adults-only celebration" or "An adults-only evening, with the exception of immediate family." One line, on the invitation and on the website. Say it once, clearly, and do not apologise for it.

Exceptions destroy the policy

The moment one family brings children, every other family who arranged a sitter has a legitimate grievance. If you make an exception for immediate family, state that exception in the wording so it is a rule rather than a favour.

Expect to be asked anyway. Have a single sentence ready and use the same one every time.

If children are coming, plan for them properly

Children at an event are fine and frequently lovely, provided somebody has thought about them. What they need:

• Their own meal, served earlier than the adults
• Somewhere to go when the speeches start
• Something to do that is not a phone
• Somewhere quiet for the youngest to sleep
• A sitter, if there are more than four or five

A hired sitter for the evening costs less than most people assume and transforms the night for every parent in the room, who can then actually attend rather than supervise.

The ceremony is the pressure point

A ceremony is quiet, still, and exactly the wrong environment for a toddler. If children are attending, seat families near an aisle and at the back, tell them explicitly that stepping out is welcome, and ask the celebrant to say so warmly at the start.

That single sentence removes most of the tension, for the parents and for everyone listening.

Whichever you choose, commit

The version that goes badly is not adults-only or children-welcome. It is the one where nobody was sure, three families brought children, two did not, and everyone noticed.